Iraq V: A Letter to Moqtada al-Sadr

Moqtada al-Sadr
Shiite Warlord
c/o Embassy of the Republic of Iraq

Dear Mr. Sadr:

I hope you can help my grandmother with a problem she has. I've already contacted my congressman, Rob Bishop, my two senators, Orrin Hatch and Bob Bennett (neither of whom are homosexuals), and Our Leader, George Bush, Emperor of the United States, but they all refused to do anything to help her.

So now I'm asking you, the most powerful man in the world--a leader so powerful you can command the United States military to abandon an operation to find a missing American soldier--for your assistance. Can I get you to order President Bush to give my grandmother the prescription drugs she needs to stay alive?

You see, she just entered into the Medicare "donut hole," the period of time when the government no longer helps the elderly pay for their medication. She can't afford the drugs she needs unless she stops eating and moves into cardboard box down by the railroad tracks.

I know President Bush would provide medication for her if you'd tell him to do it. Heck, if he'll abandon a soldier on your orders, he'll certainly do anything else you ask of him. I bet you could even get him to do some really freaky stuff involving peanut butter, corn, handcuffs, and a glow stick if you wanted him to. A lot of people would buy videotapes of something like that. You could triple the size of your militia with the money it'd generate.

Sorry, I got a little carried away there. Let's get back to my grandmother. She needs your help. Can she count on you?

Heterosexually yours,

General J.C. Christian, Patriot

(Reprinted from Jesus' General)