You Know That Society Is Doomed . . .

When we're running out of helium.

When a radio talk-show host who repeatedly uses the n-word on the air resigns so she can "regain her First Amendment rights."

When bedbugs threaten to take over New York City.

When a woman is arrested for posting a Facebook photo of her baby with a bong.

When corporate profits go through the roof as millions of jobs disappear.

When an inmate is arrested for eating another prisoner's eyeglasses.

When Ann Coulter is not conservative enough for a conservative group.

When a dead man gets a ticket for parking too long in a two-hour zone.

When a fanatical gun nut who killed three cops has his own fan club.

When electronic books outsell traditional ones.

When a Facebook feud between two women who claimed to love the same prison inmate leads to a high-speed chase and a fatal crash.

When a shooting gallery uses a Barack Obama image as a target.

When a motorist runs over and then parks on a sleeping man in an alley.

When bicycle riding threatens our personal freedoms.

When Coca Cola claims in response to a lawsuit that no one could reasonably think that its Vitaminwater brand is a healthy beverage.

When an armed man in a banana costume exposes himself.

When an airline charges more for front-row seats.

When a city councilwoman has to apologize for pole dancing during a river cruise.

When a man is arrested for drunk driving on a lawn mower.

When a would-be burglar is stuck in a restaurant grease vent for six hours.

When a man verbally assaults a woman in a supermarket express lane who had 37 items.

When a man kills his family's dog because he believes it was possessed by the devil.

When Penn State's mascot is suspended for four football games because he partied too hard.

When Einstein's Theory of Relativity is revealed to be a liberal conspiracy.

When Sarah Palin leads a Republican presidential preference poll among those who say they have smoked pot.

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