Laughs From Around Yon Blogosphere

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Recovering from minor heart surgery, Vice President Dick Cheney stunned both the medical and political establishments when he mysteriously began to experience love for the first time in his life, sources reported Tuesday.

A replaced defibrillator is having unexpected effects on the vice president, as this photo taken Monday reveals. It is believed to have been the first recorded incident of Cheney exhibiting compassion for his fellow man.

Calling the vice president's sudden ability to love "mystifying" but a possible medical breakthrough that could aid other Americans who suffer from acute mulishness and generalized misanthropy, Dr. Jonathan Samuel Reiner, Cheney's cardiologist, said in a press conference at George Washington University Hospital that the vice president exhibited a series of unexpected side effects almost immediately after regaining consciousness following his surgery.

"The vice president broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed and lurched at me as he customarily does following a heart procedure," said Reiner. "But instead of trying to strangle me, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug."

-- THE ONION

There was a time when racism was a big problem in this country, but that was years ago. As far as I know there hasn't been a single high-tech lynching in this country since [Clarence] Thomas's 1991 confirmation hearings and very few low-tech ones since then. To tell you the truth, some of the things Clarence Thomas says don't sound all that different from the rhetoric of race hustlers like the Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. If Thomas has suffered so much for being black, then how was he able to pull himself up by his own bootstraps and get on the Supreme Court in the first place? Being black did not keep the first President Bush from appointing him. The first President Bush, who like most conservatives is completely colorblind, just picked the most qualified person in the country and probably didn't even know Thomas happens to be black.

-- JON SWIFT

Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani spoke to the National Rifle Association last week. He tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were shotgun weddings.

-- JAY LENO

No matter how much money William F. Buckley has, the money-losing National Review is quite a drain on his wallet and now that he has maxed out his Discover card he has instructed Kathryn Jean Lopez to come up with some kind of a fundraiser to keep NRO afloat. At first they were going to sell candy door to door, but someone left the candy sitting on the table in the breakroom and Jonah wandered in and...well, you can guess the rest. Victor Davis Hanson suggested setting up a Wrestle The Oiled-Up Gladiator For A Dollar booth, but only Cliff May voted for it by leaping up and shouting "I am Spartacus!". Unsurprisingly this idea died a gladiators death in the awkward silence that followed. Then someone suggested a Walk For NRO where they would get people to sponsor each of them for, like, 15 cents a mile, but it looked like it might rain and nobody wanted to get all sweaty...or to have to, you know, walk so that also died a gladiators death. This time with lions and one of those three-pointed pokey thingies.

-- TBOGG

The Israeli police announced this week that they will no longer arrest first-time drug users. When he heard this, Snoop Dogg said, "Shalom."

-- CONAN O'BRIEN

Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Can Boost His Approval Rating:

(10.) Play comical slide-whistle every time he screws up.

(9.) Release NSA wiretaps of Jessice Biel's hot phone conversations.

(8.) Tell everyone "W" stands for "Whoa, this guy's awesome!"

(7.) Help O.J. find the real memorabilia.

(6.) Send 20,000 troops to stop Michael Jackson's wedding.

(5.) Devote weekly radio address to discuss what's happening on "The Hills."

(4.) What do you mean "boost"? Everything's great!

(3.) Co-star in a movie with a monkey.

(2.) Go on television; Say, "You know what? I did lose in 2000"; Hand over the keys to Gore.

(1.) Appoint a blue ribbon commission to find out what happened to the Mets.

-- DAVID LETTERMAN