You Know That Society Is Doomed . . .

When the president uses Dijon mustard on a burger.

When conservatives worship Ronald Reagan for the wrong reasons.

When a father calls the cops because his son won't clean up his room.

When most Americans can't explain what cap and trade is.

When the president emphasizes the private nature of religious observance rather than beating the Judeo-Christian drum on National Prayer Day.

When Bill Murray plays LBJ in a new movie.

When sportswriting is declared dead because no one is having fun anymore. (But writing about sportswriting being dead is alive and well.)

When concerns are raised over the president being too empathetic.

When a nutria attacks a woman shopping at a Wal-Mart, causing her to have a panic attack.

When a newspaper owner proposes that American newspapers might be saved by running bingo games.

When small banks get screwed by Washington because they're merely doing their job well.

When a real cop on his way to work is pulled over by a fake cop.

When a state legislature passes a bill stating that it can ignore any federal law it damned well pleases.

When someone markets bacon vodka.

When someone invents a synthetic substitute teacher.

When a protégé of Henry Kissinger calls him for what he is -- a war criminal.

When inmates complain that they want new mug shots on a sheriff's website.

When a student at a fundamentalist Baptist high school is facing suspension for attending his girlfriend's prom at a public high school.

When 9th graders are assigned homework to come up with a terror attack plan.

When the Muslim world -- you know, those people who dress funny, worship a false God and want to kill Americans -- have good feelings for the president.

When a Catholic priest is caught having a romantic public romp with a woman.

When a leading Republican pundit says the party shouldn't waste time trying to improve its wretched image and should just keep saying "no."

When an aspiring rapper robs a convenience store to get some street cred.

When a woman has sex with a boy who is both his teacher and godmother.

When Dick Cheney, who refused to talk to Congress when he was vice president, now says he's more than willing to talk to Congress.

When a man dining at a TGI Friday's finds a snake head under his broccoli.

When it is revealed that Major League baseball's two highest paid players are dopers.

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