By DAVID BENNETT
A man dies and goes to hell. There he is greeted by a demon who represents the devil. The demon says – "for your sins, you are sentenced to an eternity here. However, our master Lucifer is not an unfair devil; he will give you a choice of your punishment. There are four doors — have a peek and choose which one suits you best."
The poor sinner opens the first door, looks in, and sees millions of tortured souls being forced to watch the 2016 presidential race over and over for eternity. The poor sinner says, “My god please no – I could not stand this horrible fate. Please let me see the second door!"
He opens the second door, sees millions of people being forced to do nothing but watch Fox News for all eternity. The poor sinner screams – "Oh God! I repent of my sins, please forgive me. This is an unbearable punishment." The demon says, “God can’t hear you down here, it is too late, you blew your chance when you voted for Hillary Clinton instead of a third party candidate."
“Oh, please Mr. Demon, I must see what is behind the third door.” The poor sinner tries to open the door and it is locked.
The demon says – “Oh it costs money to go in there, for that is one of the more bearable tortures.”
“I must go in there but I have no cash — will you take a credit card?”
"Sure, as long as it is still good. I will let you have a peak first before you buy,” says the demon” The demon opens the door and the poor sinner sees millions of lost souls being forced to listen to “Happy” by William Pharrell for all eternity.
“What!” the poor sinner screams, “You call that a more bearable punishment? This is far worse than the other two. Let me see the fourth door.”
The fourth door is opened. He sees millions of people standing in a sea of shit, sipping coffee. “Well this doesn’t look too bad, I love coffee. I’ll take this one.” So he goes in and the door slams behind him, the stench is horrible, but he thinks, “Well I will get used to it.”
A demon approaches him and instructs him to stand in a certain place and ask. “How do you take your coffee? “
“I like mine black, please.”
The demon delivers the coffee and he sips it thinking, “I really screwed up back there in life — hope I made the best choice this time.”
Suddenly another demon comes in and screams at the poor souls – “Coffee break is over. Back standing on your heads!”
This, my friends, is the current state of the 2016 election.
STORY © DAVID BENNETT / IMAGE © SOUTH PARK